Why Do So Many Married Men Cheat on Their Wives ?

Why Do So Many Married Men Cheat on Their Wives ? After almost three decades of working with couples decimated by infidelity, I can tell you that men who cheat on a beloved wife or girlfriend can be amazingly creative when they try to explain why. Sometimes cheating men tell me, and the women they love, that their behavior doesn’t really count as cheating, because it didn’t involve actual sex. Other times, they find ways to blame others for their choices – their spouse, their boss, even the other woman. [Yes, I understand that women also cheat. I have written about that numerous times, including here. However, this article, based on my new book Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, is about cheating men.] As a therapist, I find most of the reasons that cheating men use to justify their infidelity fascinating — because almost all of these reasons imply that cheating was the only logical solution to their relationship issues and other life problems. I often find myself thinking, “Sure, cheating is an option, but only one among many. How about taking up a hobby, or volunteering to make the world a better place, or actually talking to your significant other about what you’re feeling and how the two of you might be able to craft a more fulfilling relationship? Wouldn’t any of those choices be better that lying, manipulating, and keeping important secrets from a woman you truly care about?” But most men don’t have that type of insight. So when confronted, they minimize, rationalize, and justify their behavior with statements like: Every guy wants to have sex with other women. And when the opportunity arises, he takes it. It’s a man’s biological imperative to have sex with as many women as he can. Why should I be any different? If I got enough (or better) sex at home, I wouldn’t need to cheat. I’m not doing anything that most of my buddies don’t do. If you don’t believe me, ask them. If my wife hadn’t gained so much weight — or if she was nicer to me, or more attentive — I wouldn’t have even thought about going elsewhere. If my job wasn’t so stressful, I wouldn’t need the release I get from online sex. Cheating? Really? I mean, who would rationally call getting a lap dance in a strip club infidelity? It’s just what guys do for fun. My dad looked at magazines and went to strip clubs, and that wasn’t a big deal. Well, I have webcam chats and interactive sex. What’s the difference? If the police had been out chasing actual bad guys, I wouldn’t have gotten caught in that prostitution sting. Why don’t they go after some real criminals? I’m only sexting and flirting. Where’s the harm in that? I don’t meet up with any of these women in person. It’s just a game. In the therapy business, we have a name for this type of reasoning: Denial. From a psychotherapy perspective, denial is a series of internal lies and deceits people tell themselves to make their questionable behaviors seem OK (at least in their own mind). Typically, each self-deception is supported by one or more rationalizations, with each one bolstered by still more falsehoods. In the eyes of an impartial observer, such as a therapist, a cheating man’s denial typically looks about as solid as a house of cards in a stiff breeze, yet these men will doggedly insist their rationale is sound.