Making Up After an Argument or Fight with Your Husband or Wife

Making Up After an Argument or Fight with Your Husband or Wife The first step to making up after an argument or fight is to see your spouse’s emotional and defensive reaction as normal. Don’t be surprised and upset by your spouse’s reaction. We don’t need to blame our spouses for any patterns of behavior once we know how to deal with them. If the pattern is that you are usually the one who wants to make up first, then you can use this pattern to your advantage (and your spouse’s). That’s a lot better than being upset because he or she is upset. Realistic prediction and planning are two keys for getting off the emotional roller coaster. The second step to making up after a fight is to take the action of listening. Listening is one of the most powerful action steps that you can take toward resolving any kind of marriage problem, including making up. When your spouse is upset, listen to any continued attacks without defending or counterattacking. This should prevent another argument flare up. Just listen. Don’t try to calm, don’t try to reason. Listen, listen, listen. Let him or her get it all out. Put your hand on your mouth if you need to stop yourself from talking when you are listening. The third step to making up after a fight is to watch for evidence that your spouse is not yet in control. Being in control doesn’t mean having no emotions. Being in control is like a campfire that is safely burning inside a ring of stones. Out of control is when that fire is growing bigger and starting to leap out of the ring. We stop such a campfire problem by removing all the flammable stuff around it. You can do the same if your spouse’s emotions are flaring up. In this case, back off and come back later. He or she still needs to calm down more. Don’t give any fuel to the fire by saying anything. Try again later. Don’t give up. Don’t demand a quick return to normal and don’t give a lot of attention to him/her. Attention is another kind of fuel that can keep strong emotions burning. Let him or her get bored with sulking. Don’t make it your problem. If he or she runs out, don’t chase him her down–that would just create a worse pattern. The fourth step to making up after a fight is to be agreeable. If your spouse is relatively calm, but is still making attacking statements, think about his or her statements and agree with whatever you can without giving apologies, without defending, and without giving reasons. If you can’t do this, tell him or her that you need some time to consider what he or she is saying and then go away until you can find something that you agree with. Although you may disagree with some or most of what he or she is saying, there is going to be some part of it that is true. Example You’re calm and want to make up. Your wife says that all you care about is yourself. You think about that for awhile until you find something you agree with. Then, you respond, “Sometimes I do get that way.” Or “If I were you, I’d probably think the same thing.” That’s it. No apologies, no excuses. No counterattacks. Every time you agree (sincerely) with something your spouse says, you take more and more energy away from his or her anger and create a little more desire in him or her to cooperate with you. If you find it hard to think of how you can agree, I have written a book called Connecting Through Yes! which has many examples for using agreement to end even severe marriage problems. Preventing the fight from flaring up again. At this point, you need to be ready for the sneak attack. You are being calm while your spouse is not. There is a good chance that while you are trying to help your spouse to be calm, he or she will say something to make you really upset—a real low blow. Best thing to do—let it go, walk away. If she demands a response, then tell her that what she is saying is a very important subject, but you want to wait until you can both talk nicely to each other before you discuss it. Say that you both need to recover a little more before working on things (which is bound to be true enough). Then walk away. Do something else. Example Your wife says all you care about is yourself. You agree with her that sometimes you do get that way. She says that she can’t keep living this way and wants a divorce because you are too terrible to change. You feel your heart beat fast, but you take a minute and calm yourself. Then you say, “That’s a really important thing to talk about, but we both need to recover from our fight before we get into such things. I’m going to go (for a walk, watch TV, get back to work, etc.). If you get feeling better, you are welcome to join me (call me, text me, etc.).” Then walk away without getting pulled into an argument. If he or she is upset about your walking away, that’s probably a whole lot better than what would have happened in a continued fight. Repeat this process of listening,